Are you one who distrusts people, especially ones who are close to you? If you are, does it feel comfortable and normal? It should. It should because you and I have been betrayed by others since the moment of our birth.
The Origin of Distrust in Relationships
Think about it. There we were, nestled and comforted in the womb. Constant temperature. Food supplied without us even thinking about it. Waste flushed away, again without us even thinking about it.
Then, all of a sudden, without us even being aware it was going to happen, there’s a rushing sound and the fluid we’ve been floating in drains away from us. Then, forces we don’t expect and also know nothing about begin to pull and push us from our comfort zone into a crammed, uncomfortable, squashing place to start a journey to an end that we have no clue about.
Think we’re mad and scared? We don’t remember it of course, but if we could I’m sure we would be angry and scared. Angry because we have no control over the process of being born and scared because we have no clue about what is happening.
Then all of a sudden, we’re dumped out of our crammed, uncomfortable, and squashing place into a wider, larger, and unrecognizable place — the delivery room — which may be an even greater scare than the birth itself.
If we could, we might think: “What is this place? What is happening to us? Who is spanking our butt, cleaning us with lukewarm water? Why is the cord attaching us to our mother being cut? Who’s going to take care of us? Feed us? Keep us warm? Keep us safe?
The Beginning of Trust in Relationships
Then, when we are put in Mom’s arms, we might think: “Who is this holding me in her arms, comforting me, teaching me what to suck in order to be full?. Oh, it’s so comforting. I think I’ll take a little nap.
So after all the betrayal we are comforted, learning that we are secure in mom’s arms, and feeling content. And we forget any sense we have of all the betrayals we’ve just gone through. We begin to regain our trust. And this may last until we are about 18 months old, when we begin our first indoctrination into what the society expects from us
Since we left mom’s womb, the one thing we’ve been in control of is our elimination of our bodily wastes. Prior to this, when we felt like we had to go, we went. Now, all of a sudden, we’re told we have to stop this and only go in the toilet.
What is this, we might ask ourselves? Why do we have to hold our waste in until we get to the toilet? We liked it better when we were in control and could just go. Now we have to do it this way. And if we don’t, we get disciplined. (That’s what they call it when we get criticized for not eliminating our wastes the right way.) Now, we might begin to have doubts about our ability to control ourselves and our world in the way we want to.
And the betrayal by the ones who are not supposed to betray us continues.
For example: As we grow, we try to put on our clothes by ourselves and maybe our arm gets stuck in our shirt. Mom or dad or big siblings come to help us and tell us we are “a dummy.” The helper may tell and/or show us how to do it right, but the tone of their voice lets us know we are considered a dummy and from that (and other things we’ve done “wrong”) in getting to this point. We are beginning to formulate a self-belief of our identity as a person who is not good enough to do the things others find so easy to do. Learning this, we begin to distrust ourselves and the ones who are supposed to help us.
Our question might become: “How can we move from Distrust to Trust?”
How to Build Trust in Relationships
This is one answer: The first thing we have to do is acknowledge and accept that distrust of ourselves and others is normal. When we accept this truth, we will begin to grow our knowledge and faith that things will often go wrong. Life and the people in it will often let us down.
As we do this we will lose our fear and our anger, which are a normal course of our lives. We will know that when things go wrong and when life seems unfair we will be hurt, then we’ll be tempted to cover that hurt with fear or anger. But we no longer have to act in those ways. We will have acknowledged that fear and anger are normal emotional responses, but we don’t have to act on them.
We will learn how to process these emotions and to separate that process from the resolution of the problem that caused it. This ability is the basis of personal growth and maturity.
As we do this, we will acknowledge and accept that not all things are unfair or bad. Many things go right. Many things are good. As we experience and realize this, we will build our faith in the realization that both good and bad exist.
Building Trust in Relationship With Ourselves
As we build our faith, we will build our trust in ourselves to recognize that trust and distrust will always be with us. We still know that bad things can happen, but we also know we can handle them. We will begin to trust our distrust because we will know we can “handle” both.
This is the fact: We will be betrayed and we will betray others. But there are also times when we won’t get betrayed and we won’t betray others. We will begin viewing life as full of problems sure to confront us, and we will perceive that fact as normal.
We will understand our emotional responses and process them rationally as we logically view the problem that caused the hurt, then look for options to fix those problems. We will realize that trust and distrust can both be appropriate, depending on the situation.
As we do this, we will begin to have confidence in our ability to feel good about ourselves, we will rebuild our worth in a positive manner, and we will find the inner strength to live our lives with integrity within ourselves and with others.
Get Help Building Trust in Relationships
Would you like to navigate this internal journey? It is not easy to do it all alone. Seek a trusted mentor or counselor who has successfully been down the same road, someone who lives the principles listed above.
Feel free to contact me for additional information. I’m in Madras, Oregon, but you don’t have to live here to work with me. The magic of Zoom or FaceTime gives us the ability to work together from anywhere there is an internet connection.
Whatever you do, don’t give up. Don’t let your emotions, problems and lack of trust sabotage your life. I can help.
For more information, call me at 541-325-2118.
I have been working with Dan for about 2 years and through his guidance and teaching models i have been able to build and restore trust within myself and to also acknowledge and trust my distrust towards situations and people who might not have my best interests in mind. We have also worked on solving problems in my life and i finally feel that through our work together i now have the confidence to make the best decisions for me as i navigate the ups and downs of life. Calling Dan Crowley when i did and continuing to work with him on building trust was one of the best decisions i have made. Don’t let your distrust hold you back anymore.