To want true intimacy in a relationship is not only natural, but possible. There are four spheres we must understand to obtain it.

Physical Intimacy
Most people in a relationship consider physical intimacy to be sexual. Of course, sexual intimacy is very important, but physical intimacy is more than that. There is hugging, touch, cuddling, kissing, back rubs, etc. These kinds of intimacy can lead to sexual intimacy or can be intimacy by themselves.
Intellectual Intimacy
Intellectual intimacy may be the hardest intimacy to achieve. This is because each person in a relationship has, during their personality development, composed an individual viewpoint of how their world should be. Most of our viewpoints are based on the culture we are raised in.
Because of this, we often expect the other person’s viewpoint to be the same as ours. When that happens, we are often intimate without realizing it. Intimacy feels good or inspires a relationship of contentment. But viewpoints are based on the beliefs that each of us have which in turn governs the actions we take to get the results we think we should have.
This emotional categorical response will result in positive intimacy. Unfortunately, viewpoints are similar, but not always the same. Thus, when we have a difference in our viewpoint, we will often elect to defend our viewpoint. When this happens, conflict often arises. Conflict can block intellectual intimacy.
Emotional Intimacy
This intimacy connects to intellectual intimacy. Our thoughts will trigger our emotional categories. When our viewpoints are the same, we will feel the emotional categorical response of Joy. This will promote the sameness of thought, action, and result again and again.
However, when our viewpoints are different, and we elect to defend ourselves, we will experience the emotional categorical results of hurt, anger, fear and/or guilt. These emotional categorical responses, over time, will promote negative intimacy. Often, unresolved trauma from our past will not allow us to build a positive intimacy because we do not trust it.
Spiritual Intimacy
This intimacy requires a belief in a Power greater than ourselves. This belief will give us the freedom to resolve past trauma and free ourselves to learn how to live righteously through acknowledgement, acceptance, and forgiveness of ours and other’s imperfections.
Forgiveness is key to all intimacies due to the difference of viewpoints and the hurt we will encounter in our quest for “true” intimacy. There is a difference of forgiveness in relation to the hurt we experience.
If we experience non-deliberate hurt, we hurt, forgive, and sorrow our loss. If we experience deliberate hurt, we will need to hurt, forgive, and sorrow our loss and then decide if we need to confront the deliberateness of the hurt. This is often where “true” intimacy becomes negative passion.
So, how do we achieve “true” intimacy/passion?
My belief is the first part of achieving it is to determine if we want to do the work necessary to achieve it. This determination takes some consideration. If we determine we want to achieve it, we have to realize we will have to dedicate adding to our beliefs, looking at our actions to determine if we want to modify them to get the result of “true” intimacy or not.
If we determine we want to do so, we must begin the action of addition. This addition requires examining the beliefs we already have which are negating our positive intimacy so we can add to them the beliefs we need to “change” our confrontational behavior to one of acceptance that is solution oriented.
Once we’ve decided we want to add to our beliefs the processes of change, we need to prepare how to do that. This usually requires the assistance of a counselor, life coach, or spiritual advisor.
As we’re preparing, we are also acting. This action requires a behavioral change to match our belief changes and promote our positive emotional responses. As we “practice” our actions, they eventually become new habits which we begin to do over time habitually. Positive intimacy then becomes our reality.
The part of change that can stop our search for positive intimacy rests in relapse. A desire not to continue practicing our changes can occur at any point in this journey. The relapse may be temporary, longer than temporary, or forever. It is up to us to determine each time we relapse whether the journey to achieve “true” intimacy is right for us.
If we determine it is, we begin our journey again at the point where we relapsed. If it isn’t, we acknowledge our loss, grieve it, and get on with our life. If you are in a relationship and searching for true intimacy, contact a counselor, life coach, or spiritual advisor. I am always available to help you achieve it.
Is lack of intimacy destroying your marriage, your relationships, your life? Learn to trust again: Call (541) 325-2118. We can meet at my office in Madras, Oregon or online via Zoom.
Leave a Reply